


These Shadows We've Seen

by youwereonlywaiting



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21801913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwereonlywaiting/pseuds/youwereonlywaiting
Summary: A look into Patrick's world in Christmases past, present, and future.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27
Collections: Schitt's Creek Open Fic Night 2.0





	These Shadows We've Seen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pennilesspoet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pennilesspoet/gifts).



> I really struggled with this prompt, I think because it was so broad, which normally is a wonderful thing. But for this, I could have written so many different things! In the end, I couldn't stop thinking about Patrick not yet being out to his parents during "Merry Christmas, Johnny Rose", and his one line about wishing he could be with his family for the holidays. Everything else kind of stemmed from there.
> 
> Story and chapter titles are loosely based on lines from "A Christmas Carol", but nothing else really is. For that reason, and that reason alone, this story was nearly called "My Best to Bob Cratchit".
> 
> pennilesspoet, I hope you love it and it meets your expectations.

He broke up with her on December 28. He knew that it was a terrible thing to do, to break up with someone in the middle of the holidays, but the idea of having to sit through another family Christmas gathering with questions he couldn’t answer, he didn't want to answer, was too much to bear. Rachel’s family always meant well, and they were eternally kind-hearted and welcoming, much like his own family. That’s what made the questions even more painful, more suffocating. 

_ “Have you set a date?”  _

_ “Any ideas on colors? I heard navy is out and plum is in.”  _

_ “Have you talked about any sort of theme?”  _

_ “Excited to get started on your family? It’d be great for little Georgie to have a little cousin around his age to grow up with.” _

The truth was, the very idea of a wedding was suffocating to Patrick in a way he could never entirely vocalize, not even to Rachel. It infuriated him because on paper, his marriage to Rachel was perfect. He filled out and triple checked the spreadsheets. In his mind, it was perfect. She was pretty, smart, hilarious. They worked through minor disagreements, they could read each other well, and they both liked a lot of the same things. She was the best friend anyone could ask for.

That was the problem, though. In his heart, he knew his love for her was more of the love you had for your closest friends than that of someone you want to marry.

Of course, he couldn’t tell her that. It would be too awful, to tell your girlfriend of 15 years, fiancee of 3 months, closest ally and truest confidant, that he loved her but wasn’t in love with her. So he told her he didn’t know what he wanted. He told her he wasn’t sure he knew who he was anymore, and he needed to find himself. He told her it wasn’t fair to keep her waiting for him when he didn’t think he would come back. He told her she deserved someone that would always show up, and never have doubts or regrets, and he knew marrying her now would cement those into their relationship.

He wanted to tell her that he also could never fully satisfy her the way she needed, and that he didn’t know why, except maybe that part of him was broken beyond repair. He couldn’t form the words.

He did say it wasn’t fair to her.

In his heart, he knew it wasn’t fair to himself either.

So he packed a bag and said he’d stay with his parents until the new year. On December 30, he went to the Brewer Family Christmas without Rachel, and sat in the guest bedroom alone watching hockey and getting drunk off his Uncle Hank’s homemade apple pie moonshine. He hid away, left his parents to deal with the awkward questions and hushed gossip as the news spread.

He was a fucking coward.

Later on, he snuck out of the house to take a walk and try to sober up a bit before dinner. As he walked, he wondered if it was all worth it. He felt free, in a way he hadn’t felt since he put that ring on Rachel’s finger, but he also felt guilty and miserable. He felt like an idiot. He felt rotten from the inside out.

Was it worth it to throw away the sure thing that made you mostly content, for the chance at something better? For the chance at something great? For the chance at finally, hopefully, truly figuring out who you were and what you wanted out of life?

For a chance at finding someone who you loved so deeply, passionately, unconditionally, that you would do anything to make sure they knew how important they were to you?

As he rounded the bend back towards his Aunt Jane and Uncle Hank’s home, he realized that he had to take the chance. This decision had to mean something important for himself. For his life. It had to be worth it, because even though he felt miserable and lost now, he wouldn’t have made the decision if it wasn't important enough to him to make.

He just wished he knew what he needed to do next.


End file.
